On the pot

I really have to pee and of course, just when you need it, there isn’t a toilet to be found. I can see plenty of the green outdoor urinals but my god the stink they give off. For neat, well-dressed men they must also be a disaster. Having to stand on your toes while holding your breath, trying to find your tool and trying to relax enough, if possible, so that you can so that you can pee. And at the same time making sure you don’t come into contact with anything. Don’t-think-about-it, don’t-think-about-it! I tell myself forcefully. I am almost at Central Station, where I am heading to an appointment in the First Class restaurant on platform 2 and I resolve to hold it in until then.

When I finally find a place for my bicycle – something that takes a lot of time since the first empty space I spotted was taken by a women who sped past me to take it, giving no chance to get there first – I run up to the platform scrambling in my bag for my transit pass that’s lying somewhere in there. Why did we arrange to meet here again? It’s a pain when you have to go through the gates and a waste of time if you are in a hurry. To get to the toilet for example.

Grimacing I race past my appointment to the toilets. Luck is with me and one of the stalls is free so I scurrying in, thighs held tightly together and cramping, lock the door and drop my trousers. Thankful that things turned out fine, I take the opportunity to look around me and to my surprise I am sitting on the most beautiful toilet that I have ever sat on. In front of me I see lions and the imperial crown of Amsterdam’s coat of arms with what I assume is the image of Elvis, the resident cockatoo, painted in its centre. I want to take a photo and open the door to apologise to the person waiting in line for the next free toilet. It’s the woman who stole the parking space for my bicycle! I can see that she is trying to appear nonchalant but is fussing and suspiciously pressing her thighs together. “I’m almost ready,” I say while taking my time to focus my camera. I couldn’t care less.